And once more you figure in my dreams; a face, a smell, a voice, a touch…a memory I cannot escape. I could say you haunt me, but that implies fear or a desire for you to be gone. In truth, despite your betrayals, I long to live in my dreams because then I can see you and speak with you as if all the things that went wrong never happened. Even when the dreams always turn dark and I catch you in another’s arms, your eyes filled with more love and gentless than they’ve held for me in years, at least you’re there. At least I can still fight for you. It hurts more to wake up in my bed without your arms. I go through my day pretending I don’t miss you, pretending I am not dying of curiosity and dread imagining you with another woman, pretending I don’t love you just like you pretend not to love me. Sometimes it feels like a test; to know the limits of pain and longing that I can endure before I give in. I want to give in — give up, let go — and forget you. Sometimes I do, I go a few hours without thinking about you and then there you are the second I close my eyes. If you want to leave me so bad, then why do you keep visiting my dreams? Why can’t you let me go? I still feel you all the time…like a soft breeze stirring my hair, but more solid than a ghost. My heart still beats in sync with yours, I know because even when I’m exhausted I can’t fall asleep until you do. I lie awake and stare at my phone screen, at that green circle that says you’re online and available…to speak to anyone but me! And then, finally, it disappears and I slip into the dreamscape, our dream. There is this distant memory, a journal entry, where I dreamed of you before I met you. I never saw your face but I know it was you by your touch. Back then I loved someone else and in that dream I chased him but stumbled onto you. I felt you behind me, you touched my back and I turned to see who it was but you were gone. I have never forgotten that touch. It was the same way you touched me the first time we were together and that’s how I know it was you. Our dreamscape is such a dark world, full of fears transformed into monsters and friends into enemies. Yet I always find my way to you, even when I’m not looking. 


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