To the crazy ladies of The Bachelor
Now lets get down and dirty honest and talk about my stance on The Bachelor. Personally, I have always believed that it takes a special kind of person to even consider going on reality TV and these people fall within one of two spectrums: so self-confident that they really don’t care if they are caught on tape doing something most of society classifies as irredeemably wrong OR so desperate for validation and attention that they have no problem being their craziest and worst selves before millions of viewers as long as they receive some sort of recognition for existing. In other words; reality TV stars or participants are not your run-of-the-mill individual. So, (confession time) when I finally decided to tune in on The Bachelor circa season 20, because I never considered watching this reality TV phenomena until two of my fave bitches couldn’t stop talking about it on their podcasts (Stassi Schroeder & Jackie Schimmel), I was just floored. Of course I approached it with preconceptions such as: it takes a special brand of crazy insecure bitch to even consider any sort of “open relationship” (open to STDs and constant reinforcement of male ego at the degradation of your own???), but going on a reality TV show knowing you will be competing with 20-plus other women for the attention of a single guy, The Bachelor, in the hopes that he’ll fall in love with you and propose in less than three months all whilst LIVING with the other women he is also dating and seducing and kissing and sleeping with is FUCKING NUTS. Look, I know we are a generation raised on some of Hollywood’s greatest and most unrealistic romantic comedies ever, but believing for even a second that you will find TRUE LOVE (what does that even mean in reality TV?) while in a Hunger-Games-style battle for ONE GUY’s attention, who you have NEVER MET before the beginning of the show, is I-N-S-A-N-E! As a woman I know that we as a gender compete on a daily basis for the attention of men (any woman who shaves, uses make-up, owns a dress, and/or wears a bra and denies this is either lying to the world or to herself). We will go to some unthinkable lengths to capture and maintain the attention of the guy we choose (e.g. Gone Girl really isn’t that fictional), thus I was ready to see blood, tears, and death (metaphorical, of course) on this show. What I got was so much better…Lace.
Dear Lace, you are the embodiment of centuries of male-dominated culture: gorgeous (white world selective breeding), insecure, desperate for male attention, and willing to go to violent lengths for bachelor Ben Higgins. (Pause: really, these women are/were excited to change their surnames to Higgins?! That is in no way an attractive last name #SorryNotSorry). It is a time-tested rule that all women are on some level insecure and because of this will sometimes act a bit crazy, but we all know to save the crazy until he’s hooked. I, for example, wait at least six months before letting my crazy out for a short stroll to test the waters and from there on out build it up bit by bit until my S.O. feels that insane is sane. But you, Lace, just had to throw all caution to the wind. From the moment you stepped out of that limo and KISSED Ben without him really wanting to, which was clear to see from his body language (men like assertive women, but throwing yourself at them like this just yells desperate), I knew that you were going to provide endless amounts of drama and entertainment. And, at the end of the day, what is reality TV but just a way to see the worst of humanity and feel better about ourselves? You really made me feel so very, very, very sane. Freaking out on Ben on the FIRST NIGHT after having just met him a couple of HOURS ago for not making eye contact with you during the rose ceremony was just spectacular. I want to blame it on the glasses and glasses of wine you had, but even I wouldn’t confront a guy I had JUST MET (really need to emphasize this) at any time whatsoever for not making EYE CONTACT while in a crowded room. Your self-centredness and desperate neediness would be unattractive to any guy, so really it was just a matter of time before you were eliminated. What I did NOT expect was for you to just leave and, for that, I take my hat off to you. You and every woman and man in the world is way better than a show like The Bachelor or The Bachelorette!